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So what is it like to be lesbian?
Topics in this Section
What does it mean to be lesbian?
We are attracted to members of our own sex: physically, emotionally, erotically, spiritually or romantically. We are more likely to find long-term happiness with a woman than with a man. Lesbian women are not tougher or angrier or more sexually driven than anyone else. Homosexuality is not an illness, a defect, or a perversion; it is a normal and expected reality for between five and ten percent of the population.
Some of us identify with the word gay just as easily as lesbian, yet others feel that gay belongs to homosexual men and it does not reflect the unique nature of a romantic connection between two women. Some prefer the word lesbian for its historical and cultural significance. The word "lesbianism" first appeared in 1890, followed by the adjective "lesbian" in 1890, and as a noun in 1925 (Oxford English Dictionary). Prior to this, the word "Sapphic" referred to homosexual relations between women. These words share a common source. Lesbos is an island in the North Aegean Sea; its inhabitants are called Lesbians. Sappho was a famous Greek lyric poet who lived on Lesbos c. 600 B.C. Her writings were entrenched with erotic sensuality directed towards both men and women. Nineteenth century doctors borrowed the historical reference to identify women who form romantic relationships with other women.
How does it feel to be lesbian?
It is difficult when you know that you are different, but you do not understand why. You may feel worried, scared, confused, and you may not know where to turn for answers. Understanding the nature of your difference can bring you joy, relief, and peace of mind. It is normal to be lesbian!
The process of self-discovery is unique for everyone. People can go through a lengthy "questioning" or "curious" phase before fully understanding their sexual orientation. Women who have sexual encounters with other women are not necessarily lesbian. "Experimenting" does not determine your sexual orientation; being lesbian is something you are, not something you do. Even if you know you are lesbian, you may not be ready to tell others, or deal with the potentially negative fallout. You will know when the time is right to make the changes that will bring you harmony and personal happiness.
Growing up, many of us feel isolated from the world around us. Young lesbian girls sometimes read situations differently, or with a deeper meaning than their straight peers. They can also form interpersonal connections that others envy or judge as strange. For instance, a child who provides a different spin on the classroom gossip may hear, "That's a weird thing to say!" or "No one else thinks that way." This same child may find it very easier to befriend boys because she does not feel the social anxiety experienced by other girls. Whether you believe it or not, being lesbian is a gift. It will allow you to understand and appreciate things that many others can't. There will be struggles and challenges as you meet people who are quick to judge, but if you accept who you are, most of them will have no difficulty in doing the same.
If you are an adolescent, you may be using drugs, alcohol, the internet, video games, television or other outlets to escape confusing thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge your fears. Realizing that you are lesbian may empower you to take control of your life, even if your worries seem worse in the beginning. These "methods of escape" can hold-up important mental and emotional work, further prolonging the often uncomfortable questioning phase.
Lesbian teens sometimes think that it will be difficult for them to realize their goals in life. Marriage and career expectations may seem out of reach, especially if you are unaware of your opportunities as a adult. Life will not be easier if you try to set aside your orientation to live as a straight person. Some may recklessly pursue heterosexual encounters to convince themselves (and others) that they are straight. This behaviour is extremely dangerous and unhealthy!
Lesbians can come-out at any age. Many of us are in our teens or twenties, but others avoid dealing with their sexual orientation until much later in life. It is particularly difficult for a person to come-out after they've entered into a heterosexual marriage - or lived until their senior years in a heterosexual identity. These women deserve and require just as much support and compassion. Accepting who you are is very important to your quality of life. It's never too late however; the sooner you can do it, the better your chances of avoiding the pain associated with hiding your sexual orientation. It may be difficult, but in time you will learn how to tell people that you are lesbian. Coming-out is not a one-time event; it recurs with every new relationship, workplace environment or social contact. Having a healthy outlook will help.
Most of us remember the moment when we first realize that we're lesbian. That initial wave of knowing can bring a tremendous release of stress and anxiety. Afterwards, some of us need time to get used to this new reality, but others are compelled to share the news. Coming-out to yourself marks the end of an exhausting and perhaps emotionally draining period of questioning your sexual orientation. Congratulations, you have arrived! The confidence we gain in finally understanding our sexual orientation can boost our courage. Some of us become resolute in our decision to tell others. Many however, worry about how their loved-ones will react. Only you can decide if and when the time is right to come-out to family members. It can be a very difficult time and depending upon your situation, it may not be in your best interest to tell them right away.
Some of us are aware that we are different as early as age three. We sense it intuitively, but we also receive clues from the world around us. We may notice that we don't share the same attitudes or sensitivities as our peers. This difference may become more apparent as we approach sexual maturity, when we begin to notice our physical and emotional attractions. Some of us find this frightening and we may try to resist (or deny) our thoughts or physical impulses, even if these reactions confirm what we've always known about ourselves. Others experience it as a natural progression of who they are becoming.
Those who become aware of their attractions during adolescence may face a prolonged period of questioning their sexual orientation. They might attribute their feelings to the hormones associated with puberty and hope that it is just a phase. Others may consider themselves abnormal or perverse and wonder if they are being punished for some misdeed. "Questioning" is a normal process and it provides us with an opportunity to examine how we really feel.
Here are some of the common concerns of young lesbians...
We live in a heterosexist society. This means that people's thoughts and behaviours are sponsored by the inward belief that everyone is (or should be) heterosexual. Some people will feel uncomfortable observing anything that contradicts this assumption. This discomfort is called homophobia. It's homophobia that drives local bar owners to complain if they see two women locked in a romantic kiss, or passersby to cringe when they notice two men holding hands. While we often celebrate the differences that make us all unique, society tends to judge sexual minorities. Perhaps this is because the public lacks a common understanding of sexual orientation; most people fail to see that it has variations, just like any other human trait. At one time it was not acceptable to be left-handed; social equality will happen for gays and lesbians, it's just a matter of time.
You will most certainly face challenges however; the courts are on your side. Canada has taken a progressive approach to equal rights for people who are lesbian and gay and mainstream attitudes are improving. Today, we share in almost every legal right afforded to heterosexual individuals. Furthermore, many people welcome our contributions because we are different, not in spite of it. Still the challenge to live openly can seem daunting.
Not every one who is lesbian deals with her sexual orientation during childhood. Some may not be in-tune with their emotions and do not recognize their same-sex attractions until later in life. Others may only awaken to this awareness after meeting someone who stirs them emotionally or physically. Some of us resign ourselves to living-out a heterosexual existence, which may lead to marriage and children. While we are able to ignore or manage our feelings temporarily, we cannot do it forever. Those of us who try often suffer in many ways, (physical and emotional health, inter-personal relationships, ability to achieve goals, etc.). Regardless of how good we are at pretending, our true nature will always surface.
Here are some of the common concerns of adult lesbians...
Some of us feel that the term "lesbian" does not quite fit who we are. It may seem too limiting; it may not describe all that we feel. Some of us may be forced to return to a state of questioning in order to find the proper term. This can feel very frustrating and we may wonder if we will ever understand our sexual orientation. We may think there's a possibility we are bisexual, (even if we have previously ruled-out this identity), or we may realize we are "queer" or "pansexual" which describe an orientation that exists in a constant state of change. Sometimes we feel as though we're lesbian, but not always; sometimes we are bisexual, but this too may change. The important thing to remember is that you are not alone. Many people have faced these challenges and emerged with a deeper understanding of who they are.
Being lesbian is completely normal!
All living things (human beings, animals, plants, fish, etc.) appear in nature with a wide range of naturally occurring variations. Human beings vary in skin colour, hair colour, height, left or right-handedness, weight, intelligence, etc. Just as society would normally expect that some people have red hair, are left-handed, or have blue eyes, it is also normal to expect that some of us will naturally be gay or lesbian.
Studies are finding that a person's sexual orientation is developed from any number of influences before, during and after birth. These influences, (whether genetic, hormonal, emotional, nutritional, environmental, etc.), act together during a person's growth and development to create, among other characteristics, sexual orientation and gender identity. We are all unique; there is no other person exactly like us.
Being lesbian is not a state of mind (you cannot choose who you are attracted to); it is a state of being (a real part of every person's make-up). Acting lesbian or engaging in homosexual behaviour will not make you lesbian. Acting is something we choose to do and we frequently change our choices to suit our immediate needs. A state of being is self-evident; it is part of us whether we accept it or not, and though we may temporarily ignore it, we can never escape it.
Being lesbian does not define who we are; it is one part of our identity that helps to create each person's individuality. There is a wonderful diversity that can be seen in all forms of human behaviour. Whether we are talking about sexuality, race, ethnicity, or personality, the diversity of all forms of human expression ensures that no two people are alike. When we speak of the diversity of sexuality (i.e., sexual orientation, thoughts, feelings, emotions), we can also talk about how we choose to express our sexual identity. Some women (lesbian or straight) may be more feminine than others. The sexual spectrum encompasses a wide range of gendered behaviours (from the very feminine to the very masculine), but these behaviours do not define who we are as women. They are simply one part of our unique state of being, and have nothing to do with whom we decide to love.
No one knows exactly why we are lesbian and most women are straight. Scientists have conducted considerable research trying to answer this question. Current evidence would suggest that sexual orientation is determined in the womb. It may be genetic, but it may also be random chance. Until there is a clear scientific explanation, many people will continue to believe that it is a combination of both genetic and early childhood influences. We already know that many of our other natural tendencies, (special talents or abilities), develop this way.
Many of us keep our fears and self-doubts private while we are questioning. Once we accept our sexual orientation, we may have other reasons for keeping the information private. This period of secrecy is called living "in-the-closet".
There is nothing wrong with keeping your sexual orientation private. We all need some time to get used to the idea ourselves; just remember, if you are struggling emotionally, you don't have to go through it alone. Consider sharing the news with someone you trust. If you tell a friend, be aware that you might not (truly) know their attitudes towards homosexuality. It may be best to test their reaction before telling them outright. Mention that you have a family member that might be gay or lesbian, or comment on something you read on "gay-rights" then watch their reaction. Some people must rely on the safety of the closet. Not all school or work environments are safe. If you feel it is important to remain "closeted", tell yourself it is temporary; a means of survival. The closet may be safe, but it is not healthy. It will deprive you of your right to live freely and it will impose undue stress, possibly eroding your self-esteem. If you must stay there for now, begin thinking of when it might be safe to "come-out".
Ways we remain closeted...
Self-acceptance is vital to our sense of well-being. To live healthy productive lives we must let go of any internal homophobia (fear of ourselves) that could limit our ability to tap into our fullest potential as human beings. We must also love ourselves before we can love anyone else; otherwise we are likely to burden them with the negative feelings associated with our personal struggle. Achieving full self-acceptance can be a life-long journey, but some of us are able to set aside the important issues at an early age.
Coming-out is an important part of self-acceptance. It is a process that can stir-up many emotions, some of which can be difficult to deal with alone (i.e., low self-esteem and fear of rejection or abandonment). It would be helpful to establish a support network of friends, family members and trusted advisors to help you through any difficult times.
We come-out for many reasons: to openly acknowledge who we are, to cease living in secrecy and to share an important piece of our lives with those who matter most to us. We do not come-out to hurt anyone, even if we disclose the information in anger.
Before we come out to others, we must acknowledge and freely accept who we are; we must "come out" to ourselves. The coming-out process is different for everyone, but most people experience these five stages:
Five Stages of Coming-Out to Yourself
Accepting your sexual orientation can provide you with enormous relief, boosting your self-confidence and providing you with a better understanding of who you are. Still, we face issues that most heterosexuals will never experience. Society presents many challenges that we must rise above in order to live happy and productive lives (i.e., discrimination, prejudice, negative attitudes). These confrontations can make life more difficult however, more people (gay, lesbian and straight) are standing-up for the rights of GLBT persons and many of these battles are being fought and won.
Things to consider before telling parents, spouses and children
Coming-out to loved ones is a natural step on our journey, but it can also mark one of the most difficult periods in our lives. It may feel like a gamble, that's because it is; not everyone you love may be willing to accept who you are. You may feel selfish or guilty in sharing this news, especially if it causes them any pain or anguish. It may be difficult for them to adjust however; you are inviting them to see you, as you see yourself. You are giving them a gift, even if it takes them a while to see it this way.
Whether you realize it or not, you've been part of the coming-out process for quite a while. It began with the first moment you noticed you were different and it has taken time for you to understand the nature of that difference. Your family members are about to join you in this awareness, whether they want to or not. They may expect you to help them understand, but sometimes you won't have the answers they're looking for. It's okay let them know you are still learning. Be patient; do not expect them to accept the news right away, although some of them may. Give them time to digest the news, just as you have needed time to fully grasp things yourself. Your parents have long held a vision of how your life would unfold, they need time to modify their expectations. If you are married to a straight spouse, the news is likely to signal important changes ahead. It will take time for him to adjust.
Take Stock, Check Your List - A Coming-out Checklist
Before you come-out to anyone significant, it may be a good idea to take stock of where you are in life and to how that person might react. This is not to discourage you from coming-out; it is to help you prepare for the possible outcomes. If you are in a heterosexual marriage, you may have to find a place to stay until you and your husband can decide the next steps. If your parents are extremely upset, you may require alternate financing for university. Although it is difficult to predict exactly what will happen, you may have some reasonable expectations to draw from. Here is a list of things to consider before coming-out to a loved one:
You may be very nervous about telling family members that you are lesbian, but here are a few strategies that can help you decide what to say and when to say it:
If the exchange goes poorly, don't fret. It doesn't mean they will never accept you. They may just need time to absorb the news and think about what it means to your relationship.
The relationship we have with our mother and father can affect us at every stage of life. When we are young, it is very difficult to separate how they feel about us from how we feel about ourselves. As we age, their opinions seem to matter less and yet, there is a place in our hearts that yearns to know they accept us for who we are. Fortunately, most parents do accept their lesbian daughters.
Here is a list of common fears people experience before coming-out to their parents:
Young adults may wonder...
Adult children may wonder...
Young adults may put-off telling parents until they become independent. Older adults may try to shelter their aging parents, or avoid telling them altogether. The fear of losing important relationships and hurting the people we love can create a vast emotional separation between us and them. Coming-out is an opportunity to create a deeper and more meaningful connection however, it's a risk that we should take only when we're ready.
Parents have difficulty accepting things they don't understand about their children. Initially, some parents may reject the idea their daughter is lesbian rather than face the fears they associate with the truth. Parents can experience a coming-out process of their own. There is an important purpose to this experience: it forces them to take stock of everything they think is relevant to the situation and it provides them with an opportunity to find the answers they seek. At times, it may seem like your parents will never change (their attitudes) and you may wonder if they will ever come to terms with your sexual orientation. Try to remember, they are not standing still; they are moving through this transition in the only way they know how. In many ways, their experience mirrors the stages of grief. They must grieve the loss of the life they expected for you so they can make room for a new vision - one that can bring you true happiness. One day this will likely make sense to them, even if it does not seem possible right now. Give them time to grow as people - and as parents!
Five Stages of Coming-Out for Parents
Coming-out to your straight spouse
One of the most painful aspects of coming-out to your straight spouse is watching them question everything they have ever believed about you and your marriage. Love comes in all forms and you don't have to be sexually attracted to someone in order to love them very deeply, but most of us reach a point where we can no longer hide who we are. Some couples try to keep their marriage together and a small number of them are successful. It's a challenging road that requires enormous compassion and commitment from both individuals, but some prefer it to divorce.
Telling your straight spouse can mean sharing the news with everyone who is important to you, all at the same time: parents, siblings, in-laws, children, married friends and possibly work colleagues. You may be forced to face issues that are difficult enough all on their own: marriage breakdown, relocation, isolation, rejection and questions about your emotional stability or fitness as a parent.
Here are some tips you may wish to consider:
Five Stages of Acceptance for Straight Spouses
Everyone processes life changing news in his or her own way and yet, many straight spouses experience a common healing process. Here is a brief overview of the thoughts, concerns and emotions many straight spouses work through, while coming to terms with their partner's sexual orientation.
Adapted from the Straight Spouse Network
Coming-out to your dependant children
Coming-out to your dependant children is vital to their emotional well-being. It is never too soon to tell them, but make sure you are in a good place emotionally before sharing the news. Children tend to be well-tuned to the emotional message that flows with their parents' words. They can sense your fear or emotional distress. If any discord in their home environment has put them on edge, knowing the truth may set them at ease. It is best that they hear the news from you, rather than anyone else.
If you are able to support each other, you and your husband may wish to tell your children together. It would be reassuring if they could see you handling the situation as partners. Though children are often resistant to change, it is part of their reality as they learn, grow and mature into adults. Their ability to cope with change (in all forms) is tied to knowing that their parents will love and care for them no matter what life brings.
Tips on how to come-out to your dependant children
Source: Bigner and Bozett (1990) & colage.org
Helping your Dependant Children Adapt
With support, your children will adapt to the changes ahead, but it's important to understand, they will have a few special needs along the way.
Source: Bigner and Bozett (1990) & colage.org
Coming-out to your adult children, friends & colleagues
Adult children have had time to develop their own ideas on homosexuality and they may be raising children with their spouse - and his or her attitudes and opinions.
If your child is in a long-term committed relationship, you may wish to tell him or her with their partner. Describe the emotional journey that led you to realize that you are lesbian. Be honest and frank. If there are details they will find out from someone else, be sure to tell them yourself.
Tell your children that you love them and you are thankful that you had them. Let them know you will try to answer their questions, but you may not have all the answers. Apologize for any pain they are feeling, but don't apologize for being lesbian.
Often times it is not just our loved ones that we must tell, but also our friends and possibly our work colleagues. Before coming-out to anyone, consider the impact it could have on your life - check the coming-out check list!... Will this make my life better or worse? What kinds of reactions can I expect? Who else will automatically know? Some reactions will be positive, some negative. Be prepared for the possibility that some people may change how they interact with you. These people are having difficulty with your situation, or they could be afraid of saying the wrong thing. You can help these friends overcome their discomfort by just being yourself. If you care about these individuals, you may have it within you to become their teacher, but do not look to them for support. They are in need of your support. If you show them you are comfortable with who you are they will see the person they have always known. If you are open to their questions, let them know; but don't hesitate to tell them you don't have an answer, particularly if they wish to discuss topics you'd rather avoid. Your ability to remain open may help them over their hurdles. In time most of them usually come around.
Some may think that homosexuality is not normal. You may not be able to reach those who are deeply entrenched in this sort of thinking. You may have to part company with these individuals, even if you care about them. Sharing your story may help, but realize that you will have to bring them a long way before they can accept that you are lesbian. If you encounter such attitudes in the workplace, report any discrimination to your employer at once. If you do not feel the situation is resolved, you can file a report with your provincial or territorial Human Rights Commission or with the Canadian Human Rights Commission.
When you live in a way that is true to yourself, when you honour and value who you are, all good things in life are possible. Feel good about who you are and you will naturally look after the people and the goals that are important to you. There is no shame in being lesbian and you deserve the same happiness and quality of life as anyone else. If you want to, you can fall in love, have a family, enjoy close friendships, raise children and live a happy and fulfilling life. Keep in mind, everyone is different; we each have our own expectations (career, marriage) based on our personality and some goals will be harder to reach than others. Ultimately, we each decide how to realize our dreams, regardless of how great the challenge. But when we are able to surround ourselves with people who love and accept us, we have an excellent chance of overcoming any obstacle. Nothing is impossible.
Sometime families do not accept their gay and lesbian family members and some of us use the term "chosen family" to refer to friends who have taken on a support role that is normally held by a blood relative. When family members cannot rise above their prejudice, it is important to form relationships with those who will stand with us. It's not the same as finding acceptance within our own family, but it does help to insulate us from the prejudice and discrimination we may face in life. This is one of the reasons why rainbow communities tend to support their own.
If your family cannot accept you, you can find others who will. We are born into our families but we are not responsible for educating them, or opening their hearts and minds. It can take a long time to deal with the pain inflicted by parents and siblings who can't get past their homophobia. Try to stay focused on the fact that they are limiting their own possibilities in life, not yours - unless that is your choice. You will feel the loss of their affection, but you must continue making decisions that are best for you. Try not to absorb negative comments; they are judging homosexuality, not you. Any previous goodwill they felt towards you is still within them, but their emotions are caged by their fear and misunderstanding of what it means to be lesbian. They will have great difficulty in seeing the situation this way; it may not be that simple for you either. Angry words and rejection can make you feel as though they have somehow erased you from their existence. This is an illusion; they will continue to love you, even if their homophobia prevents them from showing it.
The assumption that everyone is straight (heterosexism) and the possibility of homophobic discrimination touch almost every aspect of daily life, including issues pertaining to health-care. Dealing with insensitive or uneducated caregivers can be very frustrating and it can discourage us from keeping regular appointments with our doctor. Though health care practitioners should be informed on clinical care issues for lesbians, some of them aren't. Lack of knowledge (and in some cases sensitivity) may prevent practitioners from asking the necessary questions in a manner that invites honest and complete answers. This is the corner-stone of a healthy doctor-patient relationship. If you cannot achieve this level of comfort with your current caregiver, it's time to find another one.
Finding the Right Doctor for You
So, how exactly can you go about finding the right doctor for you? You could canvas by phone to see which doctors have experience caring for gays and lesbians, or you could ask GLB friends for a recommendation. This may be an unrealistic approach in small towns or communities experiencing a shortage of physicians. If you would like to see a particular doctor, but he or she is not accepting new patients, write a letter asking to be put on that physician's waiting list. If you are comfortable doing so, explain your reasons for selecting him or her. Health Canada has identified the need to address access to care issues faced by members of the rainbow community; this physician may be willing to accommodate your request.
The following document may assist you in finding the right doctor for you:
According to the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association, there are at least 10 things lesbian women should discuss with their doctor at least once a year.
10 Things Lesbian Women Should Discuss with Their Doctor
Source: Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. Click here to read the full report.
Taking good care of our health begins with becoming better informed on the health care issues that affect us. Information that is intended for general distribution to the public does not always represent us. For instance, lesbian women fall into higher risk categories for breast and many gynecological cancers. One reason is that many of us find it difficult to access appropriate health care services but nevertheless; we owe it to ourselves to submit to routine check-ups and diagnostic procedures. In addition, certain social and cultural influences affect our risk of becoming ill. Our psychological make-up is also influenced by the fact that we are lesbian.
In dealing with and accepting our sexual orientation, our base levels of stress tend to be higher than our straight counterparts - and our coping strategies are not always the healthiest. Statistically, we smoke, drink and consume more recreational drugs than straight women. We also more inclined to obesity and cardiovascular disease. We must become active participants in caring for our health. This means staying informed and monitoring our physical and mental condition with the assistance of a qualified health care professional.
Useful information:
It is important to feel comfortable discussing safer sex options with your doctor. Despite the belief that sexual activity between two women presents a low-risk of transmitting STDs, the risk exists and it is important for you to protect yourself. Safer sex can mean different things to different people. The following links will provide information on the risks associated with different types of sexual behaviour and/or suggestions on how to reduce your risk of disease.
Safer Sex for Lesbian Women - The LGBT Health Channel (click)
HPV: A Commonly Underestimated Threat
HPV (human papilloma virus) is well-known for the treatable warts that are produced by various strains of the virus. However, HPV can be present in the body for several years with or without the appearance of warts. It is often transmitted to an unsuspecting partner without the knowledge of the carrier and the consequences can have far more impact than the warts for which it's known. In women, HPV can significantly increase the chances of developing cervical, uterine, vulvar and anal cancers. It is transmitted by skin to skin contact. Practicing safer sex and submitting to routine screening, including an annual pap smear is the only way to manage these risks. Some doctors believe that pap smears are unnecessary for lesbians. Don't be misled; make sure you are tested annually.
Homophobic Harassment, Violence & Domestic Abuse
We all face the very real possibility of becoming a victim of homophobic violence or harassment. If you feel that a specific threat exists, file a report with or get some advice from the local police. If you are dealing with a workplace harassment issue, report the offense to your employer. If the problem persists, file a complaint with your provinicial or territorial Human Rights Commission or with the Canadian Human Rights Commission. Do not blame yourself; being lesbian is not the problem, homophobia is.
Information on how to file a complaint with the Canadian Human Rights Commission (click)
Some threats do not come from strangers or people we wish to avoid; sometimes they exist in the relationships we hope will provide us with comfort and protection. Society tends to overlook domestic abuse in lesbian relationships and victims entering shelters have little or no protection from their abusers. If you are in an abusive relationship, tell someone who can help; do not keep it a secret. The abuse will not stop and you could sustain serious emotional and physical injury. You are not helping your partner by remaining quiet. Here are some links that might help you, or someone you know who is in this situation.
Articles on understanding abuse:
Our ability to manage stress is measured by how effectively we can release negative emotions. Lesbian women experience a higher than average dose of daily stress, so it is vital that we choose a lifestyle that promotes vitality; otherwise, we can wind-up struggling with our sense of well-being and eventually run the risk of developing a stress related illness.
Effective stress management usually requires a conscious effort. Cigarettes, alcohol and drugs are commonly available in social settings - when we most want to forget our problems and enjoy good friends; it takes a thoughtful, committed approach to maintain an exercise or meditation routine.
Try to find healthy and enjoyable ways to release stress. Physical exercise is one of the best, but creative outlets are also good and so is volunteer work. Speaking to someone who is supportive can always help you over the rough spots, but it is important to invest your time in personal coping strategies as well.
Beware of short-term solutions that compromise you in any way, even over-the-counter medication can become a problem. If you feel that you require something to help you sleep or to manage the symptoms of depression, talk to your doctor about developing a coping strategy. This may or may not include medication, but it should not lead to new problems down the road.
Suicide alert - watch for the signs and stay alive!
Although figures vary, an estimated 30% of gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans-identified (GLBT) youth will attempt suicide. It might help you to know that most of us learn to manage the challenges associated with coming-out and living visibly. It's not always easy, but you have every reason to believe you can live a happy and productive life. It's normal for anyone to have fleeting thoughts of suicide when we're under tremendous stress however; there are some definite warning signs that it's time to get help.
Call your local suicide prevention hotline if you can answer yes to any of these questions:
Things You Should Know about Suicide
Don't be shy about calling a suicide prevention line in your area. It may be easier to speak with a stranger over the phone, than with someone you know face-to-face. People who answer these calls are ready to listen and guide you to additional resources that may help.
There is a great deal of online information available to anyone who is struggling with their sexual orientation (see the links at the end of this document for additional resource materials), but reading does not provide the same peace-of-mind as sharing your concerns with another person, especially one who has faced a similar situation. PFLAG Canada Chapter meetings can provide you with an opportunity to meet other women, who will be at various points in their coming-out experience.
Canadian Suicide Prevention Hotlines
Kids Help Phone (click) - The fastest way to get help is to dial:
1-800-668-6868. No one is too old to call!
Your call is completely confidential; they don't have call display. Trained counselors are ready (24/7) to answer your questions.
Centre for Suicide Prevention (click) - A Canada-wide directory for telephone assistance
Knowing and understanding the language of sexual diversity can lend clarity to the information you read and/or share. As you become more comfortable with this new vocabulary, you will undoubtedly absorb words that pertain to gender identity. This knowledge will help you to understand and embrace the vast community of people touched by sexual and gender diversity.
Common Words Associated with Sexual Orientation
Asexual, bisexual, gay, homosexual, lesbian, pansexual, queer, questioning, straight
Whenever humanity has set aside discussion on important issues, mythology can take the shape of truth. Sexual orientation defines several important aspects of the human condition and people tend to fear what they cannot understand, especially when it concerns other people. Unfortunately, this means the most damaging misconceptions can become the most widely believed and the hardest to eliminate. Today, more people are engaging in healthy discussion on sexual diversity. Many of the old myths are losing credibility, but here are a few that remain:
Some people may use words to hurt or embarrass you. You cannot control what others say however, understanding where the words come from may help reduce the impact. Remember, these are just words and though they may hurt, it's important to consider who is saying them.
People (of all ages) who are sexually immature, or who have a limited understanding of sexuality, may believe that being lesbian is not natural. Our sexuality is a wholly integrated part of who we are and some people are uncomfortable and intimidated by sexual realities they cannot comprehend. Those who are polite will simply keep their ideas private, while others (the particularly rude ones) may use insults to reduce you to a status that makes sense to them. It is wrong, small minded and unfair but it happens. Early philosophers first posed the idea that earth was round in the 4th century. Columbus set sail some 1200 years later, with most people still believing the earth was flat. Progress may seem slow, but fortunately we're well beyond 1492.
The following are common examples of words that hurt:
Bitch, cow, cupcake, dyke*, faggot, fairy, fruit, pansy, sissy, queer*
* (Some people legitimately identify as a dyke or queer, but others still consider it offensive.)
Support is important for everyone; we all need someone to listen to our concerns. Support is not the same as acquiring new information that we can find online, or in books and pamphlets. Information feeds our minds and sustains us intellectually. While it can provide us with certain tools for coping, we are still alone in our quest. "Support" connects us to other people, which is an inherent human need. Being "closeted" is an isolating experience. You may find yourself avoiding friends or social settings that could require you to talk about yourself. This isolation can emotionally disconnect us from others, making it hard to maintain healthy relationships in all areas of our life. Support helps to heal this vulnerability and re-opens important human connections that sustain our overall well-being. If friends and family members cannot provide you with this vital link, it is very important that you find others who can. There are people who are willing to listen; you just have to reach out.
We may need support but we can also give it. All members of your family will require a certain amount of support and a willingness to listen may help them through the adjustment period. However, be mindful that you are not shouldering more pain than you can handle. They will have to figure out some of the answers for themselves. Some people will ask questions using insensitive language, be patient with them. Others will ask things you cannot answer; be patient with yourself.
When you live in fear of disappointing others, you cannot please yourself. Denying who you are will eventually make you feel angry, trapped or unworthy of happiness. These emotions will touch all areas of your life, affecting your work and your relationships with others.
No matter how your situation looks right now, things will change. You may believe it can't get any worse, or you may be facing the uncertainty of coming-out to family and friends. Believe it or not, this is a time to be hopeful.
Life is constantly changing, it never stops. The changes you are experiencing will propel you forward on the path that was intended for you. Being lesbian will not limit your choices or potential. You are still writing your life-story and only you can decide where your path will take you. If things seem overwhelming right now remember, time is on your side. Slow down and deal with new challenges one step at-a-time - and only when you are ready. Look at how a situation might unfold and try to prepare for a variety of outcomes. Don't forget, most people will become more accepting with time. Also, there are resources available online or through your local Chapter of PFLAG Canada. You may wish to speak with a PFLAG Canada Contact or attend a monthly Chapter meeting. It can be helpful to hear how others have grown to accept themselves or their loved ones. You will find the courage to move forward; you have already demonstrated that much by coming to this website.
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Information on this site was written by the staff and volunteers of PFLAG Canada Inc. Our comments and opinions are to be taken as unqualified and unsubstantiated thoughts and ideas. We are neither medical nor mental healthcare professionals. As such, our material is not intended to replace the advice or treatment of a medical or mental healthcare provider. Our information is based on personal experience, direct contact with people who are affected by sexual and gender diversity, and ongoing literary research into the most recent trends and scientific theories concerning human sexuality. It is our desire to keep this information current, however as a volunteer organization our resources are limited and some information may become outdated. If you notice statements that contradict current scientific or scholarly research, we ask that you please use our feedback form to send us your comments and a link to the appropriate information.
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