PFLAG Canada

My Child is Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual

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Parents react to hearing the news their child is gay, lesbian or bisexual

Your child has just told you that he or she is gay, lesbian or bisexual (GLB). The moment is filled with silence as you search for meaning in his or her words. You know there's nothing wrong with your hearing and yet, you can't help asking the question that burns in the minds of most parents... "What did you just say?"

Here are a few other thoughts that may cross your mind...

Why are you telling me this?
Are you sure?
You're confused!
Are you involved with someone?
How long have you known?
How come you didn't say anything sooner?
What else don't I know?
What about AIDS? Are you ill?
What will people think?
How did this happen?
What did we (as parents) do, or not do to cause this?
How will I tell my friends and other family members?
How will we get through this?

You are not alone. Many parents have faced this situation and emerged with a new understanding of themselves and their child. Rest assured, life is not over; in fact a new chapter is just beginning.

As parents, we want the absolute best for our children. We want them to have every opportunity in life and we don't want them shouldering unnecessary burdens. Most of us enter this new reality with the fear that our children will experience a very difficult life. We wonder how their sexual orientation will impact on their prospects for a successful career, marriage, children, and overall happiness. Finally we wonder, how did this happen? Did we make them this way?

We live in a heterosexist society. This means that our collective thoughts and behaviours are sponsored by the inherent assumption that everyone is or should be heterosexual. Some people will feel uncomfortable observing anything that contradicts this assumption. This discomfort is called homophobia. It's homophobia that drives local bar owners to complain if they see two women locked in a romantic kiss, or passersby to cringe when they notice two men holding hands. While we often celebrate the differences that make us all unique, society tends to judge sexual minorities. Perhaps this is because we lack a common understanding of sexual orientation; perhaps we fail to see that it has variations, just like any other human trait. At one time it was not acceptable to be left-handed; social equality will happen for GLB individuals, it's just a matter of time.

Our children will most certainly face challenges however; the courts are on their side. Canada has taken a progressive approach to equal rights for GLB persons and mainstream attitudes are improving. Today, they share in almost every legal right afforded to heterosexual individuals. Furthermore, they will meet many people who welcome their contributions because they are different, not in spite of it.

What does it mean to be gay, lesbian or bisexual (GLB)?

GLB people are not weaker or any less capable than anyone else. Homosexuality is not an illness, a defect, or a perversion; it is a normal and expected reality for 5-10% of the population.

Gay men and women

"Gay" is a term that describes the same-sex attraction felt by both men and women, however some women prefer the term lesbian. The word "gay" first crossed the gender/sex threshold in England during the 16th century, when it was applied to male actors who were cast into female character roles. During the 19th century, Europeans associated the term with heterosexual promiscuity, however it did not cross into sexually diverse communities until much later. Under this meaning, "gay" projected an impression of perversity. In the early 20th century, American men and women experiencing same-sex attractions became the first to identify as "gay", preferring it to the word "homosexual", a term used primarily by mental health professionals.

Lesbian women

Not all lesbian women identify with the word "gay". Some feel it does not reflect the unique nature of a romantic connection between two women; others prefer "lesbian" for its historical and cultural significance. The word "lesbianism" first appeared in 1890, followed by the adjective "lesbian" in 1890, and as a noun in 1925 (Oxford English Dictionary). Prior to this, the word "Sapphic" referred to homosexual relations between women. These words share a common source. Lesbos is an island in the North Aegean Sea; its inhabitants are called Lesbians. Sappho was a famous Greek lyric poet who lived on Lesbos c. 600 B.C. Her writings were entrenched with erotic sensuality directed towards both men and women. Nineteenth century doctors borrowed the historical reference to identify women who form romantic relationships with other women.

Bisexual, pansexual and queer

Bisexual men and women do not require their sexual partner to be a specific gender. They can become involved with a man just as easily as a woman. That doesn't mean that they need relationships with both at the same time in order to feel fulfilled. Some believe that bisexual people are just confused. Bisexuality is a naturally occurring orientation and people who are truly bisexual are no more confused than anyone else. People who are questioning their orientation will sometimes identify as bisexual, but this is temporary and driven by their need to find a label that "fits". Bisexual people can feel misunderstood. When they are involved with a partner of the opposite-sex, they are considered straight; when they are partnered with a member of the same-sex, they are considered gay or lesbian. Bisexual people are neither gay/lesbian nor straight; these labels do not reflect who they truly are.

The terms "pansexual" and "queer" are similar to bisexual, but they may also include individuals (or their partners) who feel they do not fit the traditional definitions of male or female (transsexual, intersex, etc). "Queer" is a term that may be considered derogatory and should be used only with those who claim it as their sexual orientation.

How does my child know for sure?

Do you remember your first crush as a teenager? Perhaps it was on a classmate or maybe even a teacher. Whenever that person walked by, you may have felt a strange warmth in your stomach, perhaps you found yourself at a loss for words. Your child has probably experienced similar feelings for a person of the same-sex. GLB individuals form attractions because they feel physically, emotionally, erotically, spiritually or romantically drawn to another person. They will formulate romantic daydreams and fantasies just as anyone else would.

You may wonder about the affection your son once demonstrated towards a particular girl, or the crush your daughter had on a boy in her class. These attractions may or may not have been real for your child. From birth we are conditioned to fall in-line with the traditional male-female coupling patterns of our society. The message is delivered and reinforced in almost every aspect of our environment (i.e. books, movies, television, music, arts, culture; and social interaction with peers, mentors and family members). It is no surprise that almost everyone who can live like the majority will most certainly try. Ultimately our children have chosen to be true to themselves, rather than trying to live a lie. This is not only healthier; it is the only way for them to live a life that will feel normal.

How are we supposed to feel?

You may have just found out and already people are pressuring you to understand and accept this new reality. It doesn't seem fair! As adults, we have difficulty accepting things we don't understand, particularly if it involves our children. Initially, some parents reject the idea their child is GLB rather than face the fears they associate with the truth. Parents can experience a coming-out process of their own. There is an important purpose to this experience, it forces us to take stock of everything that is relevant to the situation and it provides us with an opportunity to find the answers we seek. At times, the situation might seem hopeless, so try to be aware that you are not only experiencing this transition, you are moving through it. In many ways it mirrors the stages of grief. We must grieve the loss of the life we expected for our child so that we can make room for a new vision - one that may truly bring happiness to our son or daughter and one that in due time will make sense to us. You will grow as a person and as a parent!

Five Stages of Coming-Out for Parents

Shock

Shock may last anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of weeks
You may think that your child has changed, but he or she is the same person they've always been. In fact, if your child has been acting out or using drugs/alcohol to cope with their own stress, you may notice a marked improvement in their disposition, particularly if they are receiving adequate support at home.
Although some parents suspect, hearing the words can still feel like a "jolt" to the senses

Denial

Cry if you wish, it's better to express your emotions but do not look for emotional support from your child. Ask them questions, but don't be surprised if they don't have all the answers. Develop your own support network through friends, loved ones, community information services and support organizations like PFLAG Canada.
You may entertain ideas like, "S/he's just confused". If he or she says they're GLB, they most likely are. Most people are fairly certain before involving family members.
You may think a psychologist can help. Counseling can be useful for anyone who is unable to cope with the reality of sexual diversity. This includes you, your child, your spouse or any other family members. A psychologist cannot make your son or daughter heterosexual. Any professional counselor will not entertain such ideas. Homosexuality is not even listed among the clinical disorders that merit treatment.
It's okay if at first, you do not wish to discuss it. As parents we sometimes need time and space to sort through complex realities concerning our children. However, a teenager or young adult may see your behaviour as evasive or pretending the situation does not exist. Tell your child that you understand their need to talk, but you require some time to process this news. Ask for their patience and assure them that you will let them know when you are ready to talk.
Don't worry if you and your spouse are not "together" in your attitudes toward homosexuality. Try not to argue differing ideas. The key to acceptance is education and you may both have a lot to learn. Try to respect and support each other's growth in this new reality. Most couples eventually arrive at a common place of acceptance. It may help to have some reading material in your home. Put it in a place that both of you can access freely. Each of you will decide when you are ready for the next step.

Anger and Guilt

It is normal to feel angry. You might direct it towards your child, his or her friends, their trusted confidante, your spouse, your parents or other family members. You may even be angry with yourself. Anger is often a demonstration of fear and guilt that you may feel for any number of reasons...

What did I do wrong?
Why didn't I see this coming?
What else am I going to find out?
How long did my child suffer before telling me?
How will others react?
I am not equipped to handle this.

You may find yourself mentally combing your pregnancy or your child's early years to find answers. Any answer might concede that this was preventable, or fixable but in truth, you and your spouse have done nothing wrong. There is nothing to fix. GLB people have always and will always exist. It's completely natural and expected that a portion of the population will not be heterosexual.
Single parents can experience a greater sense of guilt if they believe their children are disadvantaged in any way. Single parents do not raise more gay and lesbian children than coupled parents.
Remind yourself, no one is to blame; your child can and will have the life of their choosing. It will not unfold exactly as you once thought; it will simply be different.

Making Decisions - Three Possible Routes:

Once you've had time to fully absorb the news and you are secure in the fact that nothing is about to change, you can begin redefining your intuitive sense of who your child is and who they are becoming. Everything you've learned up to this point will be called into play as you add this new layer to the day-to-day interaction you have with your son or daughter. The parent-child relationship usually takes one of the following paths:

Supportive: When parents focus on their child's well-being, many other issues become relatively unimportant. This doesn't mean parents now understand what it means to be lesbian, or that they accept the idea. It means that whatever obstacles lay ahead, the health and welfare of their child is of the utmost importance. Such families have an excellent chance of nurturing a healthy attitude in all family members. In young families, supportive parents set the tone for younger siblings. In older families, they can have a positive impact on members of the extended family. Individually, these parents are open to learning and they don't mind searching for information on their own. Supportive parents also support each other and do not face the added discourse of a judgmental partner.
Resigned or Conditionally Supportive: Parents who tolerate their gay and lesbian children often see themselves as accepting because they remain on speaking terms and continue to support their child in other ways. These parents create uncomfortable conditions by imposing restrictions or using sarcasm to communicate their discomfort. Some parents won't allow their child's partner to visit, or they use insensitive humour to embarrass them in front of others. Adult children will spend as little time as possible with their parents; adolescents often keep all details of their life private. Children living in these homes are often afraid their parents will ask them to leave, or cut off any financial support for post-secondary education.
Unsupportive or Judgmental: Parents who do not support their gay and lesbian children not only lose a vital connection that is important to their own well-being, they make it more difficult for their children to transition into a healthy adult life. Some of these parents lose the respect of other family members who support the individual who has come-out. Parents may withdraw into a "closet" of their own by avoiding social interaction with friends and family members.

Acceptance

A truly accepting parent would rather change society than change their child. Not all of us get this far; many remain supportive but privately wish their child could become heterosexual. Acceptance means not only accepting your child, you also accept yourself, as the parent of a gay or lesbian person. You probably won't share the news with everyone you know (although some parents do), but you will no longer hide it. Your child's sexual orientation will not feel like a burden; you will recognize it as a gift, part of the unique package that makes them special.

What has life been like for my child?

It is difficult, knowing that you're different but not understanding the nature of that difference. A child can feel worried, scared, confused, and they may not know where to turn for answers. Understanding who they are can bring them joy, relief, and peace of mind. They desperately want to know that they are normal!

The process of self-discovery is unique for everyone. People can go through a lengthy "questioning" or "curious" phase before fully understanding their sexual orientation. A person can be ready to accept who they are, but not ready to deal with the potentially negative fallout. Living with such a secret may cause anxiety progressing to clinical depression. Revealing this secret to supportive friends and family members can bring peace of mind.

Some children know they are different as early as age three, but they do not tie their difference to sexual orientation until much later in life. These kids perceive the world differently than their peers. They do not understand why most people do not share their feelings or reactions to common situations. Even hearing the classroom gossip may provoke different reactions in GLB youth. They may wonder if something is wrong with them. As they grow, they may embrace their difference, particularly if their friends and family are supportive, or it may negatively affect their self-esteem.

Adolescents sometimes use drugs, alcohol, the internet, video games, television or others things to escape confusing thoughts and feelings. Realizing they are GLB may empower them to take control of their life. For others it may compound the fear, especially if they do not anticipate a favorable reaction from friends or family members.

Teens may believe that being GLB will make it difficult for them to realize their goals in life. Marriage and career expectations may seem out of reach for an adolescent who's unaware of their opportunities as a GLB adult. Youth may believe they can set aside their orientation and live as a straight person. They may try to hide it, not just from the outside world but also from themselves. Accepting who they are and gaining the confidence to come-out is very important to the quality of life they will enjoy. Coming-out is not a one-time event. It recurs with every new relationship, workplace environment or social contact. Having a healthy outlook will help them meet these challenges.

Being gay, lesbian or bisexual is completely normal!

All living things (human beings, animals, plants, fish, etc.) appear in nature with a wide range of naturally occurring variations. Human beings vary in skin colour, hair colour, height, left or right-handedness, weight, intelligence, etc. Just as society would normally expect that some people have red hair, are left-handed, or have blue eyes, it is also normal to expect that some people in any population will naturally be gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Studies are finding that a person's sexual orientation is developed from any number of influences before, during and after birth. These influences, (whether genetic, hormonal, emotional, nutritional, environmental, etc.), act together during a person's growth and development to create, among other characteristics, sexual orientation and gender identity. We are all unique; there is no other person exactly like us.

Being GLB is not a state of mind (you cannot choose who you are attracted to); it is a state of being (a real part of every person's make-up). Acting gay or engaging in homosexual behaviour cannot make a person gay. Acting is something we choose to do and we frequently change our choices to suit our immediate needs. A state of being is self-evident; it is part of us whether we accept it or not, and though we may temporarily ignore it, we can never escape it.

Being GLB does not completely define a person; it is but one part of the foundation that supports each person's individuality. There is a wonderful diversity that can be seen in all forms of human behaviour. Whether we are talking about sexual expression, race, ethnicity, or personality, the diversity of all forms of human expression ensures that no two people are exactly alike.

How did this happen?

No one knows for certain why some people are straight and others are not. Scientists have conducted considerable research trying to answer this question. Current evidence would suggest that sexual orientation is determined in the womb. It may be genetic, but it may also be random chance. Until there is a clear scientific explanation, many people will continue to believe that it is a combination of both genetic and early childhood influences. We already know that many of our other natural tendencies, (special talents or abilities), develop this way.

Well-being is important!

Hey parents, how are you coping?

While many parents share common reactions to the news their child is GLB, we all have our own way of coping. Some of us just need time to adjust but others must question everything they've ever believed about their child, their parenting ability, religion, society, morality, etc. It can affect how they relate to everyone around them. When parents cannot see any hope of one day accepting their child, they can easily become a victim of depression. Some may approach their family doctor who can mistakenly believe they have come seeking validation for their child. If you are feeling stressed, be very clear with your doctor. Parents have suffered a number of stress-induced illnesses because they were unable to cope; some have even considered suicide.

Call your local suicide prevention hotline if you can answer yes to any of these questions:

Do your thoughts seem to go where they want?
Do you experience mental images that you can't seem to escape?
Do you find yourself mentally transfixed, then jolted awake by disturbing thoughts or visions?
Have you actually formulated a plan for committing suicide, even if you don't think you'd use it?
Have you made a mental checklist of things you'd do before committing suicide?
Do suicidal thoughts give you a sense of relief?

Things You Should Know about Suicide

Suicide is not a choice. When pain or anguish become unbearable, our instincts naturally devise an escape plan that might push us down a path that we would not otherwise choose. When we cannot see any realistic options, this path may lead us dangerously close to suicide.
Prolonged depression will alter your brain chemistry, making it more difficult to overcome without help. Suicidal thoughts can persist even if we are consciously trying to put them out of our mind.

Don't be shy about calling a suicide prevention line in your area. It may be easier to speak with a stranger over the phone, than with someone you know face-to-face. People who answer these calls are ready to listen and guide you to additional resources that may help.

There is a great deal of online information available to parents of gay, lesbian and bisexual children (see the links at the end of this document for additional resource materials), but reading does not provide the same peace-of-mind as sharing your concerns with another parent, especially one who has faced a similar situation. PFLAG Canada Chapter meetings can provide you with an opportunity to meet other parents touched by sexual diversity.

Canadian Suicide Prevention Hotlines

Centre for Suicide Prevention (click) - A Canada-wide directory for telephone assistance

Self-acceptance and well-being for my son or daughter

GLB people who can accept their sexual orientation will have greater self-confidence and a better chance of developing their self-worth. If they embrace their sexual orientation as a fully integrated part of who they are, they are less likely to wish they were straight. A strong sense of self-worth will help them meet some of the unique challenges they may face (i.e., discrimination, prejudice, negative attitudes). Without this inner constitution they may fall into periods of emotional turmoil, wishing they could be something they're not. This cycle will undoubtedly impact on their self-esteem making it far more difficult for them to achieve their personal goals.

Studies have shown that GLB individuals have higher rates of depression and substance abuse (i.e., alcohol, smoking, drugs) than their straight counterparts. This not only affects their present day state of mind, but it places them at greater risk for developing problems later in life. Drugs and alcohol may become a means of escaping the pressures of being GLB. It's important to recognize these behaviours before they take hold.

Although rates may vary, an estimated 30% of gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans-identified (GLBT) youth will attempt suicide. These kids are very lonely. They cannot accept who they are and they only see a life of endless struggle. They will need to find healthy outlets for their stress. Physical exercise is one of the best outlets, but reading or taking up a new hobby are also good. Volunteer work can help, so can speaking to someone who is supportive. Be alert to any short-term solutions to stress that compromise your child in any way (i.e., saying things to keep others happy, drinking, smoking, using drugs). Even over-the-counter medication can become a problem. Speak to your doctor if you feel your child needs help developing a coping strategy, particularly if they are depressed. This may or may not include medication, but it should not lead to new problems down the road.

Your child's sexual orientation is a gift. He or she did not recently become gay or lesbian; quite likely, they have been observing the world through these eyes their entire life. Their intuition, creativity, intellect, and compassion have evolved on the foundation of who they truly are, not who they have tried to be. You cannot distinguish a single quality you cherish in them as something that is separate from their natural instincts. Your child needs to love him or herself as a whole person and you may have to help them understand the importance in this.

Coming-out & self-acceptance

You may wonder, "Why did he or she have to tell me?" Some parents would rather not know. People come-out for different reasons: they may need emotional support; perhaps they can no longer cope with pretending to be straight; may be they are in danger of physical harm. Most likely, your child just wants to be honest with you. It may have taken them a long time to understand their sexual orientation and telling you is an outward acknowledgement of their inward reality. It is not something that is contrived in their imagination; it is a very real part of who they are.

Coming-out is also an important part of self-acceptance. Everyone needs to share the relevant details of their life with those they love; it is the same for people who are gay, lesbian or bisexual. Your child does not wish to hurt you and you can be sure he or she has imagined your reaction in several different ways. Most GLB people correctly assume their parents will have difficulty accepting the news; still, they are ready to move forward with the life that is best suited for them and they are hoping that you will want to be a part of it. Here is a list of common fears children consider before coming-out to their parents...

Young adults may wonder...

How will they react? (anger, tears, etc.)
Will my parents stop loving me?
Will they think I'm abnormal? (sick, a freak, stupid)
Will they think I'm confused? (too young to know, misguided, influenced by someone else)
Will they throw me out of the house?
Will they withdraw their financial support? (university tuition, food, clothes, shelter)
Will our home life become unbearable?

Adult children may wonder...

Will I lose my relationship with my parents? (cease talking, visiting)
How will they treat my partner?
How will they judge me?
How will they speak of me with other family members? (brothers, sisters, grandparents, my husband or children)
Will they blame themselves? (We often wish we could protect our parents)

Young adults may put-off telling their parents until they become independent. Older adults may try to shelter their parents or avoid telling them altogether. The fear of losing important relationships and hurting the people they love, can create a vast distance between parents and their gay, lesbian or bisexual children.

What if I only suspect my child is gay, lesbian or bisexual?

If you believe there is a chance your child is GLB and you are prepared to support them, there are ways to make it easier for them to confide in you.

Asking them outright is not always the best idea, particularly if your child is still an adolescent.

They may not be aware of it themselves; perhaps they are just beginning to question their sexual orientation. "Asking", may force them to face something they are not emotionally ready for. You may cause them more harm than good. If you must ask, make sure your child knows that you would support them and that it's okay if they're not sure. If they strongly deny it, don't apologize for offending them rather, apologize for upsetting them and tell them there's nothing wrong with being gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Communicate your support indirectly.

Give positive feedback on a gay rights story in the newspaper, speak kindly of a GLB friend or co-worker and use inclusive language like "partner" instead of boyfriend or girlfriend. Try to observe their reaction but do not comment.

Place generalized GLBT support information (along with other health brochures) in a discreet (but not hidden) location in your home.

Brochures on GLBT support services are available through PFLAG Canada and possibly your doctor or local sexual health clinic.

What can I expect for my child's life?

Everyone has a better chance of achieving their goals if they accept who they are and surround themselves with people who love them. Some GLB people use the term "chosen family" to refer to friends who take on a support roles normally held by family members. These individuals feel disconnected from the family that raised them. Anyone who faces prejudice or discrimination is more vulnerable if they do not have a strong support network in place. This is one of the reasons why GLB communities tend support their own.

Your son or daughter has every right to expect they can live a life of their choosing. Keep in mind, everyone is different; we all have separate expectations (career, marriage, family, etc.) based on our personality; some goals may be more difficult to achieve than others. Your child has an excellent chance of accomplishing anything they wish, especially if they surround themselves with people who love and accept them. Nothing is impossible.

Things you may hear

Knowing and understanding the language of sexual diversity can lend clarity to the information you read and hear. As you become more comfortable with this new vocabulary, you will undoubtedly absorb words that pertain to gender-identity. This knowledge will help you to understand and embrace the vast community of people touched by sexual and gender diversity. Try to be open-minded, many people in our world are seeking acceptance.

Common Words Associated with Sexual Orientation

Asexual, bisexual, gay, homosexual, lesbian, pansexual, queer, questioning, straight

Myths & Stereotypes

Whenever humanity has set aside discussion on important issues, mythology can take the shape of truth. Sexual orientation defines several important aspects of the human condition and people tend to fear what they cannot understand, especially when it concerns other people. Unfortunately, this means the most damaging misconceptions can become the most widely believed and the hardest to eliminate. Today, more people are engaging in healthy discussion on sexual diversity. Many of the old myths are losing credibility, but here are a few that remain:

I don't know any gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans-identified people.

You may not know of any who are "out", but you most certainly know someone who is "closeted" (hiding their sexual orientation from others).

You can tell who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or trans-identified by the way they act.

Sometimes you can, and other times you can't. Usually, you can only "spot" them if they want to be identified. Gay, lesbian bisexual and straight people can demonstrate any mix of masculine, feminine or androgynous mannerisms. "Gender expression" is a separate component of sexual identity. It does not influence one's attraction to others.

Gay and bisexual men are more likely to abuse children.

Most child abusers (over 90%) are heterosexual men, many who will abuse both girls and boys, often beginning with members of their own family. Male predators who target boys are usually not interested in romantic, loving, emotional, and sexual relationships with adult men because their attraction is a form of paraphilia (psychosexual disorder), not a homosexual orientation.

Gay men want to become women, and lesbians want to become men.

Some people are born with male bodies but consider themselves female, others are born with female bodies but consider themselves male. These are issues of gender identity and possibly intersexuality, but not homosexuality. Most gay, lesbian and bisexual people are happy with their bodies; they do not wish to use hormones or have surgery to modify their appearance.

In a same-sex relationship, one person assumes the male role and the other one plays the female.

Sexual orientation has nothing to do with a person's gender-role. Gay, lesbian and bisexual people partner for the same reasons as heterosexual couples: love, sexual attraction, companionship and common goals or ideals. Two masculine (or feminine) men can make excellent life-partners, so can two feminine (or masculine) women. Gender-role can be an issue for someone who is struggling with his or her gender-identity, but trans people are also gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight.

Gays and lesbians have poor social relationships!

Studies have shown that sexual orientation has nothing to do with the quality of one's social relationships. The only difference is that gays and lesbians rely less on family members and more on friends and established support networks.

Being gay, lesbian, or bisexual is wrong!

The medical community dismissed the idea that homosexuality was a mental disorder in 1973. Both the Canadian Psychological Association (CPA) and the American Psychological Association (APA) consider same-sex attractions to be perfectly normal. Canada is now the 4th country to legalize same-sex marriage along with Belgium, The Netherlands, and Spain. Homosexuality is not the problem; the problem is thinking we should all be straight!

It is against God's will to become sexually involved with members of your own sex!

There are many opinions about homosexuality among the various world faiths however; most would agree that intolerance and hatred are wrong. Many religions welcome gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans-identified, and intersex members into their communities of faith.

Homosexuality is the result of either early problems in the brain, or certain parenting styles immediately following birth.

Nobody knows (with absolute certainty) why some people are gay, lesbian or bisexual and others are not. Most researchers believe that it cannot be pinned to one single factor; it is likely the result of a combination of social, psychological and biological influences. Recent literature points to genetics; research has shown that our sexual orientation is "pre-wired" before birth. Most in the scientific community regard homosexuality as a natural variation of the human condition, not a choice of lifestyle.

GLB people can't take jokes about their sexual orientation.

Who enjoys hearing jokes about their sexual orientation? People who have not been exposed to jokes and insensitive remarks might not realize the powerful impact such comments can have on a person who is questioning their sexual orientation. Furthermore, repeated exposure (to such remarks) will erode that person's self-esteem.

Why do gays and lesbians have to flaunt their sexuality?

This begs the question, "What is flaunting?" Straight people often place a photo of their partner in their workspace, they comfortably kiss hello or goodbye, they hold hands when they go for a walk and they wear matching rings to symbolize their union. Is this flaunting?
In Western society, whether you're straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans, everyone has the right to respectfully demonstrate affection in public. No one is exempt from this right and no one is less deserving because of his or her minority status.
Unfortunately, sexual minorities often find it difficult to comfortably express affection. For instance, a woman drops her purse at the grocery store. Her same-sex partner picks its up; she smiles and says, "Thank-you". What if she says, "Thank-you Dear" instead? She knows that several may turn and give them an uncomfortable stare. Some may even engage in whispered heckling, or harass them on the way to their car. Is she flaunting her sexuality?
Social scientists use the term "heterosexual privilege" to describe the behaviours that cannot be comfortably duplicated in public by same-sex couples.
Some people believe GLBT persons flaunt their sexuality during Gay Pride events. There are many reasons why people participate in Pride. Here are just a few:

It is an opportunity for them (and their families) to safely participate in community events. Many live in secrecy to protect their safety, job, living arrangements and dignity
They wish to commemorate times when they or other GLBT persons have faced persecution
It is an opportunity to feel normal and accepted within their community
Many straight family members participate to show support for their GLBT loved ones

Employment equity gives jobs to unqualified people; why do homosexuals feel the need to demand special rights!

Basic human rights are not special rights. The aim of employment equity is to end discrimination, not grant special privileges. Legally, on-the-job performance cannot be measured using one's gender, race, culture, religion or sexual orientation. Taking steps to ensure that you are assessed fairly is not a special right; it is a human right.

Why do gays and lesbians want to bring their issues into the school system? I don't want my kids exposed to this, even as an extension of the sex-ed program.

Very few parents know the facts on sexual orientation or gender identity. Those who talk to their children about sex usually do not include these topics in their discussions.
In Canada, most students will receive some education on sexual diversity, but most of their ideas will come from a mix of pop-culture, family and peer influences. They are exposed to a limited amount of factual information. Homophobic and transphobic bullying remain a problem in Canadian schools and gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans youth run a high-risk of depression, substance abuse and suicide. It is a tough way to enter one's adult years. Furthermore, almost everyone knows or meets someone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans-identified or intersex in his or her lifetime. It is easier to form healthy relationships when prejudice is not a factor.

Bisexual people don't know what they want. They will partner with anyone who is willing to have sex with them.

A person's sexual orientation has nothing to do with their ability to remain monogamous, or how frequently they wish to have sex. Bisexual people are not confused and their orientation does not compel them to partner with both genders at once. They can genuinely fall in love with either a man or a woman; their partner's gender does not matter to them. They often face discrimination from those (gay, lesbian and straight) who do not understand bisexuality. Many believe that sexual orientation and gender identity exist as opposites (gay/straight, male/female); it simply isn't true. Sexual orientation, as with all human traits, exists on a continuum, the same as varying degrees of brown hair, intelligence, height, weight, creativity, etc.

AIDS is a gay disease!

The population with the fastest growing rate of contracting HIV/AIDS is actually heterosexual women. Interestingly, The Canadian Blood Services will refuse blood donated from homosexuals because they consider them a high-risk population for AIDS. On the contrary, heterosexual women are not discriminated against when they offer to donate blood.
In the early 1980s, condoms were used mainly to prevent pregnancy; those who knowingly could not conceive had little or no experience using them, gay men included. The existence of HIV/AIDS was announced with limited understanding and many people underestimated how easily the disease could be transmitted. As more gay men fell victim, HIV/AIDS was mischaracterized as a "gay" disease, further diminishing the importance of prevention within the heterosexual population. Although condom use has dramatically increased, many still find it is a difficult subject to broach with their partner.
HIV/AIDS is a concern for every human being; no one can claim immunity. It is everyone's responsibility to stop the spread of this deadly disease.

Words that Hurt

Words that disparage gay, lesbian or bisexual people will now hold greater meaning for you. You may detect nuances in comments or jokes that once flew past your radar. It will become apparent that GLB persons are not the only victims of homophobia; parents, family members and friends also feel the sting and embarrassment of homophobic prejudice.

Some people may try to intentionally embarrass you or your child. You cannot control what others say however, understanding where the words come from may help reduce the impact. People (of all ages) who are sexually immature, or who have a limited understanding of human sexuality, may believe that people who are GLB are not normal. You will meet people who are uncomfortable or intimidated by sexual realities they cannot comprehend. Those who are polite will simply keep their ideas private, while others, (the particularly rude ones), may use insults to reduce your child to a status that makes sense to them. It is wrong, small minded and unfair, but it happens. Early philosophers first posed the idea that the earth was round in the 4th century. Columbus set sail some 1200 years later with most people still believing the earth was flat. Progress may seem slow, but fortunately we're well beyond 1492.

The following are common examples of words that hurt:
Bitch, cow, cupcake, dyke*, faggot, fairy, fruit, pansy, sissy, queer*

* (Some people legitimately identify as a dyke or queer, but others still consider it offensive.)

Support

Support is important for everyone; we all need someone to listen to our concerns. It is not the same as acquiring new information. Information feeds our minds and sustains us intellectually. While it can provide us with certain tools for coping, we are still alone in our quest. �Support� connects us to other people, which is an inherent human need. Living as a "closeted parent" is an isolating experience. You may find yourself avoiding friends or social settings that could require you to talk about your family. This isolation can emotionally disconnect us from others, making it hard to maintain healthy relationships in all areas of our life. Support helps to heal this vulnerability and re-opens important human connections that sustain our overall well-being. If friends and family members cannot provide you with this vital link, it is very important that you find others who can. There are people who are willing to listen; you just have to reach out.

We may need support but we can also give it. All members of your family will require a certain amount of support and of course your GLB son or daughter will benefit from knowing that you love and support them. A willingness to learn will tell them that they are not alone. Some people will ask questions using insensitive language, be patient with them. Others will ask things you cannot answer; be patient with yourself.

Hope

As adults we are accustomed to feeling secure in our ability to handle most situations. New experiences are rarely ever foreign; most of us have either observed or imagined just about everything we think could possibly happen. It's one of the ways we mentally prepare for life's eventualities. Still, some of us are caught completely off-guard when our child speaks the words, "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." It's not easy to be suddenly thrust into a world where there is no reasonable explanation for the confusion that surrounds us. It can be frightening and what's worse; we may be able to see that hope is all around.

Being gay, lesbian or bisexual will not limit your child's choices or potential. They are still writing their life-story and they are the only ones who can decide where that path will take them. You have an important role to play; your love and support will make it easier for them to rise above the challenges that society will present. Let him or her share who they are as a GLB person, you may have much to learn and perhaps they won't mind teaching you. Your child has not changed; he or she is the same person you brought into the world. You now have an opportunity to get to know them as they know themselves. Your support during this time will be a gift they will never forget.

Remember you are not alone; many parents have survived this situation and emerged with an even better relationship with their child. There are many resources available online or through your local Chapter of PFLAG Canada. You may wish to speak with a PFLAG Canada Contact or attend a monthly Chapter meeting. It can be helpful to hear how other families have managed. You will find the courage to move forward; you have already demonstrated that much by coming to this website.

Links & Resources:

Links to Other Support Sites

Books Worth Reading

Reference Information

Parent Stories

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